Sipping

Today, like yesterday, and probably much like tomorrow, I sat for hours under a large beach umbrella, shaded perfectly, sipping iced tea.

While I sipped, I doted on Baby Child, listening to the soothing sounds of my kids playing with other kids in our community pool. 

The breeze was constant.

And though the temperature was solidly in the 90s, I never so much as broke a sweat. 

My kids ran back and forth from the pool to me to the snack bar, and I was able to give them dollar bills without much thought.  They ate taffy, and each enjoyed a hot dog, and I was relieved that lunch was covered.  I didn’t feel even an iota of discomfort; I didn’t experience any stress.  I felt internally organized, which increased to clarity; I was moved to pray repeatedly.  I prayed as I watched each child.  I stared at each of them; I didn’t attempt to find the perfect thoughts. I just sat and stared and sipped.

Even a gaze is a prayer. 

I gazed and breathed slowly, allowing the Spirit to read my heart as I committed to memory these images of my children. 

So much love, expressed silently, transformed into pleas.

Allowing them to feel independent, I stayed back and stealthily kept watch on each child, as I covered them in prayers.  I was amazed and proud when I caught a glimpse of their many athletic feats and abilities – I could envision their futures; their best moments; their times of glory and fulfillment, occasions when their efforts would pay off.  I started to cry, just imagining it.  My heart swelled…with merely the recognition of their unlimited potential. 

I relished that I had five children.  Five. 

How could I deserve this…how could I - the me that I know - be the recipient of this…

God can see inside of my heart, my thoughts, my soul…He therefore knows what a wretch I can be; what a fake I can be; what a hypocrite I can be…

Yet, Five.

Five.

Thank you…thank you...thank you…. 

I am sorry…I am sorry…I am sorry….

I noticed Shirtless had perfected freestyle, which he swam enthusiastically each time he jumped into the diving well, where he was the youngest kid by at least three years; he was high-fiving teenagers.  Pixie was learning to dive, too, and she visited me the most, coming by cheerfully to check on me and to reapply sunscreen according to the manufacturer’s recommendations– so responsible, so together.  Peeved and Tuber were strutting around, having come to this playtime straight from swim practice.  Their posture and their attitude communicated their thoughts:  they were trained professionals in a pool of recreational swimmers.  I had to laugh out loud.

There I was.  Sipping. 

How did I get there? 

So much before there. 

I would have never dreamed. 

There.

And it was not lost on me.

And it was not lost on me that while I sipped, my husband was in fire-retardant, heavy coveralls in a barren field of over 100 degrees, surrounded by loud machinery, without his family for weeks…

To purchase these sips -

For me.

So much love, expressed silently, transformed into pleas.

Thank you.